Fifty Ways Lose to Philly: A Reply to Mark Simon

To show that no good deed goes unpunished, I want to take this opportunity to supply something that might sober up the well-meaning Mark Simon, who methinks has had a little too much eggnog. Over the past 3 years, we have seen the Mets lose in every conceivable way and some that were not so conceivable. Now that that the Alderson administration is in place we can look back and laugh. Can't we?  Here I present, inspired, as everything I do, by this immortal post...

50 Ways the Mets Lose to Philly (and everyone else)
sung if necessary to the tune of Paul Simon's Fifty Ways to Leave your Lover (1975)...

Get triple-played, Dave.
Watch things get hairy, Terry.
Utley touches 'em all, Paul.
Mets wiff at Halladay, Bay.
...and take your base free.

Watch 'em trade for Lee, Gee. 
Reyes OBP takes a dip, Chip.
Drop a pop fly, Guy (Conti).
Slip Wright a mickey, Dickey
...and rebuild again.

Misuse the pen, Dan Warthen
Play the field like hell, Oberkfell
Build a weak roster, George Foster.
Ollie's on the lawn, Pagan.
...and trade the core.

Get shut down by a Cuban, Rueben.
Eat too much pre-game Gouda, Duda.
End the game with a K, R.A.
Management fail, Hale.
...and leave fans unhappy.

Get beat by Shane, John Maine.
Hurlers can't hit a barn, Parns. 
On the final day at Shea, Reyes.
No hit through seven, Nick Evans.
...to bad to believe.

Santana gets hit unholy, Thole.
Mets LOOGY has nada, Tejada.
that Howard's a beast, Niese.
Surrender to the Fish, Misch.
...and take your base free.